MONDRO

I’m 21 and gay. I belong to a middle class family. I was born minority. Besides homophobia, people like us get bullied for being different race, color and religion in this country. I was no exception. So I didn’t have a very good childhood. I was girlish and people used to call me names. I was fat too. So literally that was a bonus for bullying. And guess what! I couldn’t play any outdoor games. So boys didn’t want to be friends with me. Some of the girls were my friends. I was called unspeakable, horrible things by classmates and neighbors. I can’t even describe how traumatic it was. The most depressing part is also my parents pressurized me to be less girlish. These things made me hate myself more and more. Then I tried to change myself. Everyday I had to practice walking and work on my hand gestures forcefully.

After so much work on being so called “manly”, I was accepted in high school. I made friends. I was loosing weight. And I was also getting offers from girls. But I never felt any attraction towards girls. I still remember my first boy crush was one of my cousins. I was only 9 years old then. I had no idea what that was. On my high school days I was so focus on my career that I didn’t think about dating. My academics were good. I got a chance in a well reputed college in Dhaka. So my family moved in there with me.

Then another trauma began to rise. I had no idea that a person can be bullied that much for being another race. Even whenever I go out on a rickshaw, people called me names from the streets. And also I started to feel so attracted to the boys more than ever. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t accept the fact that I’m gay because of the past experiences. You know how it works in this capitalist orthodox male dominated society. I felt so contradicted and trapped. I kept asking why I had to suffer this way. I hated myself more than anything. All day I thought about taking my own life. I tried to hang myself twice (which I’m not proud of). But failed. I was so depressed that I was not eating and talking to anyone. I needed to talk to someone. I decided to go to a psychiatrist. He is well known. Guess what he said! “Go intimate with girls. You’ll be cured within 6 months if I treat you.” I started to take meds. I started talking to girls. These things just couldn’t go on. However, it made me more and more depressed. Then I changed my psychiatrist. The new one said more or less the same. Apparently, I became suicidal more than ever. I couldn’t talk to my family about this. My grades were falling apart. Whenever they asked me about what had been going on, I kept lying. I told them that it was my grades. I kept my prescriptions and meds in my college bag so no one at home would find out. I was so hopeless that I tried to jump off. How could I love myself after what I had been through? But I love my family. Thinking about them, I decided to act normal. Then I started doing research. I read articles and books about homosexuality. I began to accept myself. I was crying for days after watching some gay themed movies. You know how they make them sad. I opened some dating apps. Figuratively, I came to know that there are a lot like me. Luckily, I found some good people to talk to (it’s so much depressing the way a big number of this community use these apps so pathetically). After a long time, I accepted myself.

I had to do all of these myself. I had to be “manly”. There were no significant ones to help me out. Why does it have to be like this? My family still doesn’t have a single clue about it. People out there might be suffering a lot like me. Continuously they are being tortured mentality. It must be easy to accept yourself whose family is not orthodox and minority. Now it does feel great to love myself. I don’t want anyone to go through like me. So please you people must help those disturbed beautiful souls. I’ve been counseling 2 of my juniors. They are in a great shape now. They might not find this page. So whenever wherever you find them, please listen to them.

Source: BAH ( Bangladesh Against Homophobia)