Isolation & Loneliness

I’m a gay guy. I knew I was gay even before falling in unrequited love with another guy. Back then before I felt love, my homosexuality didn’t bother me. I used to think lust was all there was to love, that people simply glorified it. And I was not too much of a lustful person. l considered myself above all that. I felt lust for men and only men but I could ignore it. I thought I could live my life without being in a relationship.

And then I felt romantic love for a man. And hell, I know how cheesy I sound but it was like I found the answer to the universe. Like someone stuffed a bunch of cats inside my rib-cage. Not the evil-looking ones with weird eyes and sharp claws planning to murder you, I mean the friendly looking cute fluffy cuddling cats.

But, of course, the man I felt love for was straight, so I moved on from him. But I can’t move on from my sexuality. I can’t feel romantic love for women, I can feel romantic love for only men and that’s the way it is.

Most of us spend the first half of our life studying and the later half trapped in an office cubicle. Working and working and working. Whatever soul crushing job we can get. 

But the whole thing is worth it because you have someone to return home to. Someone that makes you feel like that your life is worth living. Someone you can share your exhaustion with, someone who can share his exhaustion with you. And that’s the reason relationships exist. Not so that people can breed and whelp out kids in this already overpopulated planet but so that this existence can be made a little more bearable.

And well, I don’t have that. The homophobic country I live in and its ridiculous laws preventing adult consenting human beings from living together won’t allow me to have that. Feeling love only made me realize how lonely I’ve been all this time and the loneliness won’t go away.


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