Hi. I’m a 25-year-old girl from Dhaka. I belong to a usual Bengali family like any other. All my life, I’ve only focused on one thing, and that’s my studies. When people of my age are getting engaged, married, have kids, I still don’t even have my first kiss. As I said before, I belong to a typical Bengali family and also a kinda conservative one. Like from the beginning of my teenage years, mum lectured me that boys are dangerous and I should stay away from them and never respond to them. I should also stay away from girls at school who have boyfriends as they were “bad influence” etc. etc. So I guess this is how it started that I avoided guys intentionally (as I was abiding by my mum’s rules and never really gave it too much thought). Then around 9th grade, I found myself watching gay/lesbian short films on YouTube frequently and loving them so much. My friends used to talk about Hindi serials in the tiffin break and I used to wonder, I wish I had someone to share my passion about LGBTQ issues with. And then I discovered myself falling for my best friend. I always tried to get close to her, like sit beside her, hold hands, keep my head on her shoulder, pat her head, smell her hair, sing to her. I remember, one night I just finished watching Brokeback Mountain at 2 a.m. in the night and something inside me broke. I called her and just burst out crying and said, “please be mine”. She took all of these as a joke. Later, I tried to move on, I guess I was successful. We are still best of friends and she is engaged to the guy she has loved for a long time. Back into my present life. I don’t despise boys but I’m more interested in talking to girls than I’m with boys. I feel more comfortable and confident when talking with girls and the opposite with guys. Sometimes if a guy tries to start a conversation on a social media platform, I have even blocked them for no reason at all. I did have several guy crushes but never approached them. And no guy has ever approached me either, as I’m not particularly good looking or attractive or anything. I’ve been OK not having a relationship even though all of my close friends were in relationships. But recently, I have started to feel lonelier than any time before. Wish there was someone to share my thoughts with, share my laughter, share my sadness with, someone to just cuddle with. In recent time, I opened up to a girl about how I feel, the things that I like, about me possibly being bisexual/bi-curious. She behaved like she understood me well. We met. Bonded over lunch (on a Valentine’s Day), laughed and talked. After some days, she came to my house for a sleepover. My whole body itched to just reach out and cuddle her but I restrained myself. After some days, she stopped talking to me. I saw her online but she didn’t reply to my texts. I got the signal. I moved on. Then there was another girl. We connected so well. She was an LGBTQ ally like me, loved watching the same YouTubers that I did. Even our educational backgrounds matched. While talking to her, I felt like I’ve known her for years, and we should’ve met earlier. We met in person. I loved her. It’s like we are fitted like jigsaw puzzles. But happiness doesn’t suit me I guess. I asked her in the middle of a convo whether we can meet again and she said maybe later. That later never came. Later turned into weeks, into months. We used to talk on social media though. Not about girl stuff but about series, BL dramas, YouTube. Except for meetings. Whenever I asked about that, she asked me if we could change the topic. I stopped talking to her. Months later she texted saying that I was making her uncomfortable while asking her to meet. She doesn’t wanna meet and can we just get back to talking as platonic soulmates like we used to. But I was feeling humiliated and embarrassed. I stopped talking to her.

My parents are pressuring me to get married. To an unknown man, whom they will choose. On the other hand,I’m an emotional mess. I don’t even know what I want. What should I do? Whom should I go to? All I know is I crave for a real connection. A person whom I can trust. And preferably a girl. But I don’t see any hope. I don’t know what to feel, do anymore. Maybe my parents are gonna marry me off with an unknown man and all my emotions and feelings will be murdered alongside.

P.S.: Sorry for writing such a long essay. I saw a post on this page on 31st December 2018 and just felt like sharing these words. I know that maybe this won’t even get posted but if it does, I would be happy thinking that someone knows about my situation. I’m not invisible. I’m valid.

Source: BANGLADESH AGAINST HOMOPHOBIA