Hold My hand

I’m a gay guy. Closeted to everyone, no one knows I am gay. Living in Bangladesh. Got a crush on my best friend. The usual. Except I can’t figure out whether my friend is straight or not. He likes to cuddle with me, holds my hand when we’re walking, wraps his hand around my waist. But all those things, I can’t figure out whether he means them romantically or platonically. Because it’s normal for just friends to do all that in our culture. And it’s awkward for me, you know. I’m attracted to him in a romantic way and I don’t want to take advantage of the intimacy he provides me without his knowledge that it’s more than platonic to me. I’m not that kinda person. So I’ve tried pushing him away. But he always comes back, thinks he is the one who has done something wrong and I’m pushing him away for it and asks me what is up with that. And I don’t have anything to answer him with. I can’t tell him I’m gay, I can’t ask him whether he is gay without risking to ruin our friendship. So I try not to feel any romantic or sexual attraction toward him, specifically when the guy literally cuddles with me. It’s confusing as hell.

Sometimes I wish that all the gay adults had little rainbows popped up above their head. Little rainbows invisible to everyone except other gay adults. Haha. It’s pretty impossible to find potential dates because most of us are closeted. You can’t know who is gay and who is not and you can’t ask anyone out. You can’t use dating apps like Grindr because cops are known to use it in order to track gay people down in homophobic countries. It’s possible to survive a homophobic system and homophobic population if you have a partner by your side. But most of us closeted gays don’t have that because we can’t find anyone. You could have another gay guy in the same room as you, crushing on you as you’re crushing on him but it wouldn’t matter because you’re both so deep in the closet that you might as well be living in different planets.


Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.