Lost Love

I’m open about my homosexuality with my friends, not my family. I have had debates with my mom about homosexuality, that I support it and sh*t like that, basically my entire family knows me as a “nastik” which I am.

I’m not a good writer really, I’m a 20 year old pan-sexual girl, I was in love with my best friend. She had started neglecting me and messing around with some other dude, acting like she had feelings for some stranger which was pissing me off, I had confessed to her but due to my jealousy and a fight that totally destroyed our friendship we lost touch. Soon after that she started dating a boy in December, I was heartbroken, it was a dude I never heard of so I assumed I didn’t hold the rights to know about her personal sh*t anymore. I tried to move on, I stopped bothering her completely, but I would react to her posts often to let her know that I’m still here, by her side, that regardless of our differences I won’t leave her side. Wished her a “Happy Birthday” and she replied with a “thanks for remembering” 3 days later. For once in my life I put myself before someone else, someone that my life revolved around, I didn’t feel important in her life anymore. She called me on messenger and asked me if I wanted to fix things, I stuttered like an idiot, can’t even remember what I said, something like “Hmm, yeah, sure,” she laughed and asked “Mane ki bolod?” and I made an excuse that mom was calling me for dinner and hung up. In reality I had ran to the bathroom and collapsed and had a panic attack, my heart was beating so fast just hearing her voice, I was a mess, I cried, funny how I thought I was over it. She called me again a few weeks later, dunno why, I just couldn’t pick it up, I couldn’t deal with what happened the last time so I replied with a text instead asking if it was a misclick, well no it wasn’t of course, said she just wanted to talk and we did about nothing at all.

Few months passed and it was Eid, I had deactivated my Facebook cause I really had no one to talk to, thought I’d spend that day with my family instead. It was the night of that very same day that I got to know my best friend, who meant everything to me had died by hanging herself. In her last note she mentioned how she was hurting everywhere, she was lucky to be around some great people, that she had only herself and God to blame for leaving her with nothing “again,” that she was sorry to everyone in her life, sorry to herself. I didn’t know pain could be so bad that you start to crave the pain of someone’s loss just because that is proof that she existed, a proof of connection. I don’t want to get better, I don’t want anyone to change my mind either. I want to be in this pain forever simply because it connects me to her. Now after all this time I notice how she had changed her username to “lesunicorn” from whatever was before. I’m in tears from writing this, yet I don’t want anyone to sympathize with me, I want to be hated, I couldn’t be the best friend she deserved, I feel like I have blood in my hands, but no one can see it. Why is no one holding me responsible? Why am I the one being comforted? You are free to send me all the hate you want here really, I will welcome being stoned to death.


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