A Marriage of Inconvenience

I fell in love with a girl when I was 13. I did not know if it was love or not because I wanted to be with her all the time and my heart ached whenever I thought of her. We exchanged letters and gifts and I knew for a fact she had feelings for me too. We were both 15 when we realised we loved each other. Even though we never kissed or hugged or do anything like couples do, we wrote letters. Lots and lots of them. We sometimes held hands and that felt like the most electrifying thing we both ever came across. It was fine. Everything was fine.

Except when we were both 17, she got herself a boyfriend without telling me. I was shocked, hurt, and felt betrayed. I wanted to ask her why she did that, but she turned a bit homophobic and told me that it was just a phase, we should get over it. She did. But I never did. My life revolved around her. I had an affair with a boy who was apparently her boyfriend’s best friend. Funny, right? That guy was a total f***boy and she knew it. She tried to warn me, told me to break up with him, with my best interests in mind. I knew too. But I was too upset and I just wanted to spite her. My boyfriend and I eventually broke up. I got into several relationships with boys after that, but none of them lasted. But she… she was amazing. She kept holding onto her first boyfriend and they were couple goals. I messed up big time when I partially came out to my parents about my sexuality. My dad slapped me so hard, I felt numb. My mom beat me with a broom stick, I didn’t protest. I accepted it all. Then they did the wildest thing. A boy liked me and sent a proposal to my home for my hand in marriage. My parents were really quick to jump on it and told me to marry that boy. I protested a little but I gave up because I knew I would never get what I want. The love of my life doesn’t recognize me and I don’t think I have ever felt love for someone, like the way I feel for her.

I met the boy who was willing to marry me. I told him everything. Every single thing. About how I was a lesbian and I could never love anyone like her. He was shocked for a moment, but he still said he’d marry me. Talk about masochists. Eventually we did get married, and everyone thinks we are that couple, but we sleep apart, we have never touched each other, my husband is in love with me, but I’m not. I’ve told him many times to divorce me, to let me go, told him that he deserves better. He never gives up on me. He hopes he will be able to make me fall for him. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. He is the nicest person alive. He deserves all the love and happiness in this world. But he’s stuck with me. I can’t forgive myself for hurting people like this. I am stressed 24/7, I self-harm, I am losing so much weight and I’m 25 year old. I still love that girl. And I deserve to die. Because I can never bring happiness to other people. Or me. I don’t deserve to live.


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