Friends For Life

I’m a 17 year old girl from Dhaka, Bangladesh.. I’m currently in the United States, attending college and I am a Lesbian; I have been for as long as I can remember.. Being raised in a country like Bangladesh, I had no earthly idea as to what homosexuality was until the 5th or 6th grade…The very first time I heard the word ‘gay’ being used in the context of homosexuality, I was honestly very confused: Didn’t the word ‘gay’ mean happy? In order to clear up the confusion, I consulted my mom; all she told me was that being homosexual was a disease caused by hormonal imbalances…In the 8th grade I made the conclusion that I was in fact a Lesbian… How did I come to this conclusion? All of my crushes since play group have been girls, I was always disgusted by the idea of ever being romantically linked or being physically intimate with a man (no offence to all you men out there) and when I started going through puberty, I always had dreams of being with women, and I loved these dreams…My eyes always wondered towards any women I found attractive and I would get butterflies in my stomach when attractive girls in my school would come up to me and give me lingering hugs……However, I had no intention of coming out….My reasons were pretty much straight forward; I didn’t want to disappoint my parents, I didn’t want my relatives to contradict my sexual orientation; most importantly; I didn’t want my relatives to give my parents grief because of my orientation..I should also mention that my family’s Muslim,not as devout,but Muslims nonetheless.And I just believe in One God, Allah and I also believe that He made me this way…So, I basically had two options left; stay single till I expire or marry a man and reproduce…..Marrying a guy was way too much for me so I decided to give staying single a try…..It was going fine, until I fell in love in the 9th grade and my long term plans went straight out the window…Now for those who haven’t experienced falling in love, let me tell you; It is simply one of the best feelings ever…No joke…But guess what; the girl that I fell in love with, was straight and a close friend of mine…Now I was planning to hide my feelings but that didn’t work…The fact that I was in love with her showed through how I behaved around her and my actions….So one day, we were just hanging around and she joked about how I acted like I was in love with her…My facial expression went rigid and one of my best friends noticed it…However, being the awesome human being that she is; she didn’t confront me…She was the first person I came out to…This happened because I was less than a month away from my O level examinations and I didn’t want to tackle my exams with all these thoughts occupying my mind…She said that she sort of guessed it and then she said, “You are still that same old person who became one of my best friends, you’re just gonna marry a girl and I’m completely fine with it; just remember to make me the maid of honor and your kids’ godmother..” The amount of support I got from her encouraged me to come out to my three other best friends….They were happy that I had decided to come out of my shell; my girl best friends commented on how I had good taste in women after I had listed all the names of my crushes…My guy best friend made a bet that he would be able to pick up more women than I would and we made it into a competition…My point is, their support was and still is incredible…But the thing that I dislike about this arrangement is that now, they are sworn to secrecy…However, they promised to stand by my side when I decide to come out to my family and I can’t help but feel so fortunate that I have friends like them…I also came out to the girl I first fell in love with; she said that she was fine with me being gay…She was actually flattered and she said that if I was a guy, she would totally go out with me…..My getting into college at a young age was very sudden, almost unexpected…But, ever since I have arrived on campus; I have been very open about my sexuality; Yes, everyone associated with my college know that I am a Lesbian..Being in the United States and studying in a state that legalized gay marriage a very long time ago; I was once again encouraged to be very open about my sexuality….The only thing that I feel guilty about is not being able to tell my parents…I had plans of staying single but as I grew older, I found myself wanting to fall in love, get married, have kids and grow old together with my loved one……The thought about these things never happening for me just because of my fear of hurting my parents reduces me to tears every time….My parents are the best parents on earth…..They gave me freedom, they taught me right from wrong and they love me unconditionally….I’m afraid that coming out to them might change the type of relationship I have with my parents…They are not just my parents, they are my best friends and I never hid things from them; aside from me being a Lesbian….And even if they do accept me; they will face a lot of grief from my relatives and they’ve already been through so much pain; I do not want to be the cause of them feeling any more pain….At this point, its a struggle; I have to decide whether to put myself through pain or to put my parents through pain…Honestly; I have no earthly idea as to what to do……….

Source: Bangladesh Against Homophobia (BAH)

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