Fragile Feelings

I didn’t know there’s lying another me until I was 17.I was in a relationship with my cousin that lasted for 2 years. We didn’t go that much deeper. I knew I loved him and I’ll do in future too. But I proved myself wrong to me when I got admission in college and shifted to a girls’ hostel. Initially what happened to me I wasn’t sure about that. I used to feel kind of attachment to a girl who was one year senior to me. I wanted to be around her always, I wrote her letter everyday, I liked talking about her all the time. It was getting excessive. My roommates and some other girls started insulting me as well as she. It hurt me so much that I used to hit myself. I cut my hand for many times. I can remember those nights she shared her bed with me and I couldn’t sleep the whole night. The smell of her hair and body filled me up with spark. Despite all these things I tried to think myself as straight. I was in debate with myself. I was in self contradiction. However after six months it became clear to me. She left the hostel after one year. But the feelings I have developed for girl didn’t end. One day I slept with another girl accidentally. She had boyfriend. Maybe it was only a phase for her. We continued for a month and then she told me that she couldn’t continue that way. We were disconnected but I couldn’t forget her. I cried for almost three years for her secretly. I consulted with psychiatrist for two times. But it didn’t work that much. I went back to my old soul again.

I’m in honor’s third year now. I know how I’m passing my life, how I’m passing my time.Every moment I feel suffocated as I can’t share a word with anybody.Very often people around me ask”Are you okay?” And I have to lie all the time ,I have  to hide the reason for which I die inside.Whenever I look around me and observe they are with their boyfriends with any restriction , without any blame,it pricks my conscience it makes me feel guilty.I feel I don’t have any courage to look at them.As a human being ,I am to crave for have someone,for human touch.I can’t change myself.If I could,I swear I would never choose a life full of tears ,sighs.Sometimes they discuss among themselves that homosexuality is a mental disease and I keep silent.Sometimes I act with them and admit yes it is a disease.I am absorbed in depression.My dream is to escape from this familiar environment,to go far away from this world where nobody will recognize me, nobody will blame me for who I’m.I can’t look at life from any positive perspective. There isn’t a single a day that I don’t cry.My family, friends nobody know about this.May be I’ll never let them know.Does it make any sense studying at a renowned university where my inner self is dieing every moment? Does a glorious CGPA make any sense to me where I am damn fragile inside me?How long will I be able to continue this pretension? How long will I wear this mask on my face ? I don’t know.

Source: Bangladesh Against Homophobia (BAH)

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