A Wall of Loneliness

I have built around myself a wall of impenetrable loneliness. I realized pretty early if I were to survive in this country, I had to hide that I was gay from my peers. I have no friends, I have only acquaintances. They hang around with me. Talk to me about the girls they’re dating. Ask me who I’m dating. I brush it off. Etc. etc. How can they be my friends when I’m hiding so much of myself from them? I know them. They don’t know me. I know I’m being overly dramatic. But sometimes it gets exhausting. I know Bangladeshi queer people online who have come out to their friends. They’re rich, they can afford to come out. But if the sh*t hits the fan and things come crumbling down for me, I wouldn’t be able to take the damage. The circle of people I’m around in real life doesn’t see the problem with things like wife-beating and child marriage and such. I do not anticipate them to be even grudgingly tolerant of my existence if I came out to them. And now a plague has come. I don’t think I’ll survive Covid-19. Maybe it was for the best that I never had a boyfriend after all. Not leaving behind any heartbreaks and stuff.

Source: BAH ( Bangladesh Against Homophobia)

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