I am a 20-year-old girl and I am bisexual. I started to feel attraction towards girls when I was in my 7th grade. I used to watch a lot of LGBT short films, movies, and series. I had lots of crushes, not only on girls but also on guys, but didn’t get that kind of butterflies it used to give me with a girl. When I changed my school, I got to know a girl from science section who was so unique and we used to talk a lot on Facebook, more than in school. I was so shy in front of her even though the whole school knew me as an extrovert friendly funny girl. We used to be more like a couple than only friends. Everyone in the school started to be jealous of us. We used to meet in the school balcony and washrooms just to talk and stare at each other’s eyes. I felt that strong emotion of love when I see her. I felt strong electric energy running through my whole body when I touch her. I got so sure about it when she hugged me for the first time. It was so tight and full of innocent love. From that day, I knew I love her. We used to write letters to each other and exchange gifts. We used to chat and talk over the phone 24/7 and that caught everyone’s eye of my family and they started doubting me. They knew about her as my best friend. Everyone in my school and also my family used to taunt me for being so close with a girl. I was sure about the fact that she was also in love with me but I think I was wrong. One day, I confessed to her about my feelings for her. And then that happened. The most heartbroken feelings I got from her. She said it’s just a phase, I should move on with a guy. She said she loves me but as a friend. But that doesn’t make any sense to me!? Why the hell did you cry for not being able to talk to me at night? Why did you try to drop me at my home from school? Oh and yes. She was even a tomboy and an otaku. I was so broken. I felt so humiliated. She then disconnected herself from me. I kept calling her everyday and cry like a crazy lover. But she kept saying that this is not how we are meant to be and this is not possible. We then changed our colleges and I used to stand in front of her college every goddamn day from Dhanmondi to Khilgaon just to see her for a minute. Our friends were also aware of this but they didn’t know it was that serious. They used to make fun of us. I kept doing this everyday. One day she just grabbed my hand and told me to stop coming to see her everyday. I asked her if we can make our friendship OK like before. She said she would be my friend again only if I get into a relationship with a boy. Then I listened to her words and went on a relationship with a guy. He used to love me like crazy. But I was not in love with him. I couldn’t get intimate with him physically because I thought that was wrong. But I was not sad about it because I got my best friend back. We started talking like before. But my boyfriend didn’t like this. He used to cry every night for not being able to make me fall in love with him. My friend told me it was wrong and I should give him more time. Again I listened to her. I allowed him to touch me and we made out. I loved it! I fell in love with him. I started ignoring her when she called me at night. I dunno what happened to her but she went crazy about me. One day she asked me if we can have experimental physical intimacy. I was okay with it because I thought I was not in love with her anymore. I kissed her and then we made out. It was me who was on top. From that day, she wanted this to happen everyday. But after some days, I felt it was gross to make out with a girl. Maybe because I was not in love with her anymore. My love was diverted to my boyfriend. I told her that we should stop doing this. I was so nice while saying this to her but she was so hurt. She even tried to kiss me again but I stopped her. She had so many boyfriends and me too. We started forgetting about these things slowly. We got so busy in our lives and still she was my best friend. We got admitted at different universities. Things were alright, we used to talk sometimes about our relationships, friends and also, guys. I was so depressed when I started my varsity life because I was so lonely. I was expecting someone to love me. I felt like an alien. I keep searching for that special one but still didn’t get anyone. I was even so engaged in drugs and all. But left that vicious friend circle of mine. She knows everything but I don’t know what happened to her. We slowly drifted apart. She used to cry for my bad condition. She supported me and told me not to do these things again but I was so depressed to listen to anybody. I am jealous of famous lesbian couples who are happy with each other. And here I am, can’t even find any girl who would understand me and love me. I am still waiting for someone to shower her with my passionate deep love that I have been hiding in my heart. I feel no emotion to guys anymore. I sometimes dream about having a happy married life with a guy but that just doesn’t give me butterfly in my stomach. I feel like I’m an empty person with so much love hidden inside my heart that I’m wanting to express on someone. I don’t want to waste my passionate love anymore.

Source: BAH ( Bangladesh Against Homophobia)

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