I am afraid

Since I was young, my mother taught me to respect the third gender, hijras, because they are gifted by the Creator. This same person told me that I have gone mad and tried to hit me when I came out as bisexual. She said that I must have been watching too many inappropriate things, that’s why I am having “evil” thoughts.

My father is extremely conservative and old-fashioned while my mother is absolutely opposite. My father has always treated my mother like trash and even has an affair with another lady, behind our back. He’s old enough to be someone’s grandfather. He treats us like animals. Ever since my father broke my trust, I couldn’t trust any man. I am afraid of men. Then why does my mother worship my brother and my father? All men are the same.

Then came a beautiful girl into my life. She was a friend everyone wishes to have. She was like a fresh breathe and came to me when I was going through severe depression and almost planned to kill myself. We talked and talked; she was lovely and kind. She unknowingly gave me confidence. One day she confessed that she liked me, but hearing that didn’t make me happy. I cried, I cried out of fear. I won’t say that I don’t like her, but when I got to know she had feelings for me, I couldn’t accept it.

Who would like me? A person who is a hypocrite like her family, full of insecurities and mental problems. I was full of flaws. I never thought of having a relationship with a girl or a man, because I have seen how relationships crumbled the hearts of my own people. Maybe I hate the idea of attachment. I hate being dependable. I cannot face my friend anymore. I am afraid of hurting her and if I hurt her, I will become like my father. I plan to be alone and I told her. Yet, she doesn’t seem to understand. Am I sick? Am I selfish? Did I take advantage of my friend and then abandon her when she needs me?

So many unanswered questions that are eating me alive each day.

Source: BAH (Bangladesh Against Homophobia)

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