I have no one

Right at this moment in my life, I feel so tired, empty, and hopeless. I used to have a lot of friends but now I have no one to share my story with. So I’m deciding to share this on this page. I’m an 18-year-old bisexual girl but I’m mostly attracted to females to be more specific, specially girls with masculinity. But I like girly girls too. I was sexually assaulted when I was 4 or 5 years old by an old man. From that time, I used to be fascinated about the female body. I don’t know why that happened because I was assaulted by a male, not a female. I didn’t know what sex is but I thought it was okay to have sex with girls but not with boys. When I was in 7th grade, I got to know that homosexuality isn’t considered normal in our society. So I pushed myself to explore the relationship between girls and boys. When I was in 10th grade, I dated two boys. One of them just passed time with me and the other one cheated on me. I thought I would never date a boy again after this. After entering college, one of my male best friends mentally pressured me to be in a relationship with him. When I tried to reject him, he harassed me sexually several times. It was such a traumatizing experience. From that time, I grew up with a deep hatred towards men. I still get angry when boys stare at me. Then, in my first year of college, I got a crush on a girly girl and a tomboy. The tomboy girl then became my bench mate and yeah I fell for her, deeply 🙂 Allah knows how heavenly it was to spend time with her. She wasn’t very talkative but she used to talk to me a lot. After the exam, we separated and I didn’t even have her number or Facebook ID. She appeared in my dreams every night. God, that was heavenly and painful at the same time. We met after the exam but as I’m an introvert I talked very awkwardly with her. I felt like she hated me after this. Recently, I added her on social media, talked too but she was a bit rude with me. I got to know she does not support LGBTQ. It broke my heart. I really loved her, God knows how much I loved her 🙂 Now I don’t think I can be with a boy. I lost my feelings for them. I wish I could get a girl with whom I can hold hands forever with genuine love and care which I think is not possible actually. In the end, no one wants to be alone. I want to feel loved too. I want to give love too. Sorry for my messy story. I’m not feeling okay. I’m sorry.

Source: BAH ( Bangladesh Against Homophobia)

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