I Revamped

Hi!! This is a 18+ male here… from Bangladesh. Life is crossing only the 18th step but this life has gone through many things… My childhood was the golden period like others… There was fun, there was excitement and the most important thing was that there was no tension of anything. Probably someone said , “It’s better not to know your life. Because knowing your life can bring tension and anxiety.” And that came true in my case. From my childhood, I had something different feeling. I am quite feminine from childhood. My voice is quite feminine too. And I am quite overweight too from childhood. And sometimes people often started bullying me for my girly nature and for being fat. It felt very hurt then. I started staying at home and became a dark freak! And from that time I started reading books on various topics and my collection has crossed 1700 this year! People always have known me as a good student. But I was never able to make a best friend. I have many good friends but I don’t know but there was an invisible wall in everywhere of my life. In my 7th standard of school I finally realised that I am homosexual and I am attracted to boys. Life was on his way of moving and I started to try to change myself like I started to show so-called manly nature and tried to hide my girly nature as much as possible. But how can I? I am like that but after trying for almost one and a half year, I was able to change myself in a good range outwardly. But I was tired of this fake thing. In my 9th standard, I had acceptance to be a gay in our society. I started loving myself with the way who I am and what I have. I am overweight, I have not a good voice; I am gay which is against our so-called law. I started forgetting them. I started thinking about what I have and I made a list of it. From my 6th standard, I started writing poems. I am used to attend many competitions and Olympiads as well. I have given my all effort to my writing, added myself to many online portals, pages and groups. I started to attain all the competitions and Olympiads of science. I have joined myself to many clubs and organizations. And the change was that people are loving me…! I am noticing that they are loving my personality! In fact my juniors are giving me respect, all of my teachers know me by my name. Life was so beautiful in this period. But people say life is not always smooth. Last year after my SSC exam I joined Blued, you guys know Blued is a social networking site for gays. And I was surprised to see some f***ing bullshit people who are just sex freak, they just know three words “Age, role and from”. When I decided to leave this app, I met some guys there who are positive and share the same feelings about LGBT. I believe gays can be loyal to one relationship and we can have a beautiful life too if we give effort and stay united. But the reality is that there are two types of gays, some are sex-freak and the others are not! I used to use Blued for the entire day. It was a good feeling for me because there was nothing to hide. I had no need to act like straight there! I used to do boards, people were loving me as well. We had our fun group, we used to chitchat in that. But that app has destroyed my life. It has snatched 1 year from my HSC duration! My boyfriend whom I was dating from 4 years has broken up with me for different reasons though we are now good friends. And I lost my feelings for study. A huge gap is now between me and my family. I used to cry; I used to think negative things. I have gone to a psychologist and told her everything… She told me I am in depression and anxiety. She has helped me a lot and still now she is helping me. I have deleted Blued and giving my all efforts to my study though I have just 8 months to attend HSC exam. Now I think I can. Thanks to the psychologist to encourage me. I have again started thinking positive. I am moving towards my family again. I have exposed myself to my two elder sister (cousin), two of my closest friends know that I am gay and their reactions are positive. I hope one day I will be able to tell my family and I will have a beautiful life with a guy sharing the same feelings like me. Hope runs our life. How can I stop hoping?? And thanks to this group. And LGBT people are so sweet more than honey. Can we be friends??

Source: BAH ( Bangladesh Against Homophobia)

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