In the Wrong Body

I’m 22, biologically a female. I was never satisfied with my birth assigned gender from my very childhood. In fact, it is my earliest childhood memory. From my childhood, I’ve always felt that I was born with a wrong body. But things were not the same with my friends. They had no issues with their gender, so I started to feel maybe something is wrong with me. As I had understood that I can do nothing about it, I started to convince myself that everything will be okay after puberty. Ironically, it didn’t work the way I expected and my mental condition kept getting worse. Anxiety, mood disorder, depression, stress, bipolar disorder and finally I experienced suicidal thoughts. Things were getting out of my hand and I could do nothing. I have been through several medication and therapy session to get rid of this anxiety and depression.

This gender dysphoria is killing me inside with each passing day. I am left with two choices. I can either leave my family and my present identity to start anew OR I can live the rest of my life with this mental condition pretending to be someone else.

If I choose the first option, I have to lose my family which is the last thing I would ever wanna do. And if I choose the second, maybe I will never be really happy.

I used to have erotic attraction for girls. I still do, but the intensity is diminishing day by day. I had tried hard to fall for guys, but never really felt that way.

Although I need someone to love me for who I am, to be with me, I feel maybe I’m not ready to be in any relationship right now.

I am confused. I no longer think that I actually know what I really want. However, I know that I’m never gonna leave my parents at their old age who have sacrificed so much for me. As I failed to figure out myself and choose to put my family over everything else, I guess things are gonna be this way forever.

Source: BAH ( Bangladesh Against Homophobia)

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