This year I’ve turned up to be 20. So, I’m a 20 years old girl who is a lesbian. I was born in a well-off family having many brothers, sisters, cousins around myself. So there was always daily hustle and bustle in my house. I have never been an introvert one. Or it will be appropriate if I say that I did not get the chance to be an introvert in midst of the outcries of my family.
I hate saying that I was a tomboy in my early age. Because, when it comes to my sexuality, people try to correlate that with my being tomboy in childhood. But yeah, I was a tomboy. When it was the age of playing around, I understood that though I was comfortable enough with boys, I felt nervous around girls. Not because girls might judge me for my outlook. Rather I used to feel like being appreciated or being desired to be friends. That used to made me shy. As I said that I’ve never been an introvert, there was no chance that introversion made me feel the shyness. Moreover, introversion and shyness are not the same, right? So, what’s the reason for this shyness? This question kept me haunting. The more days I passed, the more I was asked this question by myself.
I found the answer some years later when I seriously fell in love and started wondering what is this feeling? I got to know about homosexuality. I studied and still studying about it. But to be true, studying can not justify or invalidate the strong emotion I have. The only satisfaction is that I know the reason of the shyness, I know why I want to be appreciated by girls, I know the name of the feeling. It’s LOVE.
There is another thing that I hate to say. That I’ve studied in all girls’ school and college. Because, people try to correlate it too with my sexuality. I mean, seriously? Are all girls’ school or college students lesbian?
However, in my high school days, I fell in love with my best friend. I’ve never confessed to her. Till date we are best friends. We talk, we laugh, we fight, we confederate. And I see her. I see how she talks, how she laughs, how she looks when she becomes angry, how she tucks her hair, how she walks… Believe me, she walks in beauty!
Though I try hard to get over the emotional attraction to her, it’s becoming more intense day by day. I get physically attracted too much to her sometimes. I restrain myself. But it becomes so difficult to restrain sometimes! Sometimes I feel like confessing to her. But when I think about the probable consequences, I fear.
I do not know what I’ll end up doing about it. (Though it sounds dramatic) what I only know is that it’s impossible to live my life without her.