Hi, I’m a 21-year-old university student, female. I have always been a troubled and introverted child since the beginning, never really could have talked with anyone about my problems. I was being seen as a sexual object by the men around me since I was a child. I was afraid of that, always running away from those predators, always so scared, so scared of men. But that’s not the worst part, what’s worse is that all these scars, they made me hate my body. There was once a time in my life when I wanted to cut out my feminine organs because I always felt so disgusted by them. Because I felt they were in my way of being acknowledged as a human and not a toy to fool around with. As a result, my sexual awakening never happened, so I thought I was asexual. Well, to be honest, after the “molest” part ended, I never really tried being intimate with anyone you see; skinship makes me feel uncomfortable. Then, at another point, I thought I was straight, only more of a “platonic love” type person, because I realised in a world where men like my dad exist, women still have hope.

Until I met someone in my previous university. She was my teacher, a woman of 25 years, not too beautiful, but beautiful enough. Long hair, cute smile and a damn cool personality. Most importantly, she adored me. I was unaware of my growing feelings towards her, until my first semester break. I was missing her very much. Right then, I came across someone. She was homosexual. I got curious about her orientation, researched a lot, and figured out I might be bicurious (given I’ve never really tried any form of emotional skinship with anyone); but as long as women concerned, she was the only one I had my eyes on. A week later, I told her about it, and asked her if she wanted to go on a date with me. She agreed but made it clear that she won’t think too far since she is straight. I was okay with it, since I myself wasn’t sure of my orientation. Unfortunately, the next semester, she moved to another university in another city. In the meantime, I was feeling guilty for asking my teacher out, so It became awkward for me to even bring that “date” issue up. We are connected on social media now, don’t really talk very much. She is happy there (I guess), I’m alright here, and still bicurious. I do find myself attracted to women, but I can’t find a way to sort this out. I do feel like I can now start a relationship with a boy maybe (since it has been long enough), but if she decides to go on that “one date” she promised me, I’d do anything no matter what.

Source: BAH ( Bangladesh Against Homophobia)

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