Signing My Death Certificate

This can be a long story. And I’m sorry at first for this. But I didn’t have any choice. I literally have no one to share with that what I’ve been going through. I’m 18 years old. I’ve been raised in a village, in a typical middle-class family. Like every Muslim family, my family is also conservative. I used to study in a girl’s high school. When I was in class 9, I first started to feel that I’m attracted to girls. But that time I denied this fact. I was like, no!! This couldn’t be true. “Maybe I’ve been with girls for a long time that’s why I’m feeling a bit weird. That’s all. Nothing serious. Just move on and concentrate on your studies.” – I forced myself to believe this logic then. But all these thoughts about girls kept growing. And I couldn’t help myself from thinking about girls. I thought I’d become normal again in college. I thought there’d be many boys so yeah I might catch feelings for them and might become straight again. But I was completely wrong. When I finally started going to college, the situation got worse. All these new and pretty girls made me cry. I used to try to focus on boys but ended up focusing on either a girl’s hair or her lips. I had several proposals from boys but I rejected them because I didn’t have any interest in them. Besides, I was too scared to get into a relationship because of my strict parents. But I took one last risk to confirm my actual sexuality. I accepted a boy’s proposal. In just two weeks, the relationship started to become toxic and we had to break up. I definitely don’t blame this guy. He was actually a nice guy. It was me who was completely careless about the relationship. So after that, I was completely sure about my sexuality. I accepted the fact that I’m totally gay. But I never let anyone know about that. Because this is completely unacceptable in this society, country, and our religion. Despite being gay, I never had a serious crush or caught any feelings for any girls I met in school or college until now. I met this girl on Facebook and she’s so freaking pretty. The very first time I talked to her by replying to her comment. We started texting each other. And we became really close. The way she cares about me, the way she talks to me, the way she supports me, it made me fall in love with her. I’m now madly in love with her. I saved her photo and printed it out and put that in my personal journal. I think about her 24/7. When I think about her at midnight, I feel this strong pain in my chest. Tears start falling down automatically. Because she can never be mine. She and I can’t ever be together. The person I love the most will not even know that someone out there is crying for her, having pain for her, praying to God for her happiness. Honestly, I haven’t been sleeping at night since the day I realized I love her. I don’t think I will ever fall in love with anyone again in the same way I fell for her. I didn’t tell her about my feelings cause it may ruin the friendship between us. She’ll maybe stop talking to me and that’ll be suffocating for me for sure and I’m not strong enough to tolerate the suffocation. But it’s getting harder for me to hide my feelings for her when we text. Though she’s a virtual person, my love, my feelings aren’t virtual at all. And now to add more pain to my life my parents are planning to get me married off to someone. Leading my whole life with a man is impossible. Signing in a marriage certificate is like signing in my own death certificate. But I can’t argue against my parents. I can’t even raise a single voice against them. Because I don’t wanna hurt them at all. My sexual orientation, my miserable and painful love life, the force upon me to get married, all these things are making me frustrated. I don’t know if I’m suicidal or not, but every time I go to sleep I just wish not to wake up again. I don’t have the guts to commit suicide though. So guess what, I’ve to go through this hell till the day I die. Sometimes I feel like Allah is putting me in this situation cause I’m gay.

Source: Bangladesh Against Homophobia (BAH)

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