Hi. I am a so-called boy from a very strict Muslim family. I belong to the LGBT community and I am trans-female. Don’t think that I am a hijra. Every trans are not hijra. In short, I am a rupantorkami.

Actually I felt inside my femininity from a very young age. But never told it to anyone because every time society and family portray trans as a curse of the society. Even my mentality had become like that. Anyway my biggest phobia was to hide my real features, traits, behavior and acting like a real boy. But it never felt good. As I was growing up, this femininity has collapsed me and makes me feel so depressed. But though I was acting in front of everyone like a boy, I did make-up and wear my mother’s clothes, wear burka and walk like a model. Even sometimes I wear burka in front of everyone but the reaction was not so harsh. Even many more times I have prayed to Allah, “Please make me a female, do some miracle, you can do everything.” Yes, I have told my close friends that I wish I could be a girl. The real agony started in the year when I was in class 6. At that time I was obsessed with my fairness, then I decided to behave as the way I am. The family member taunt, abuse begins now. The real face of mental torture has begun now.

At this age I simply searched what homosexuality is and then I found the transgender term and looking at that I was very happy because yes, I am like this. Being curious, I researched every single thing about transgenderism. Is it acceptable in Islam and is it permissible to do sex-change surgery? The answer was never clear for me because all the answer was for intersex people. Dr. Zakir Naik avoids this topic when he was asked about transgenderism. Anyway but some rare resources put me at ease that I can be acceptable in Islam. Then I accepted that I am trans and the year was 2017.

Anyway when I accepted the fact, the grief has become more painful and it is killing me inside. It is pushing me backward. As I loved my mother so much, so I told her about myself that I feel like a female. When I told her, she first cried and then said, “You can’t be like this and accept what you are made by Allah, listen we are from a very middle class family, respect is the only thing that we earned and so if you do like this we will be boycotted by society.” After that every single moment she spared any moment to abuse me and tortured me mentally. When she found that even I am doing like this she told me, “You should kill yourself. You should hate yourself. Don’t you feel shame?”

One day when I was making a female picture of mine by editing and kept my phone accidentally next to my father, he saw I am in a female portrait and then he showed it to my mother. Seeing that my mother become furious and shouted at me to come in front of them. And then she and my father said, “Oh! Now you have become a part of the hijra community. Straight forward we warned you, if you do like this we will get lost from your house and sell you to a hijra. You are a shame. We worked so hard to earn respect. Just for you. Do you think we will permit you? If you think ever like this then the door is always open for you and go to your right place. Because for you we can’t lose respect and social status.” This sentence hurt me so much. That for them social status is more than my happiness. From this incident, I wanna say one thing, “Parents aren’t them who give birth to their child for their dream but parents are them who gave birth to their child for their child’s happiness and love their child unconditionally.” After hearing those sentences from my parents, I have said to myself I have only one friend who is Allah. Only he can make me like this. So I always wish for my soul’s freedom and find for a solution.

Now I am in class 10 in Dhaka. I feel every time suicidal. Even I make many more attempts to take pills.

I wanna plead before all the LGBT community that this is the 20th century. Our neighborhood countries, Pakistan and India, not only give trans rights and their legacy, they have given every single opportunity so that no children like me ever feel so inferior from their family and live a fake life. Pakistan have given trans marriage rights. Their clerics are saying that trans are not illegal. India are giving trans sex-change surgery fund to change sex. But what our LGBT community is doing? Answer is nothing. Please make a revolutionary change so that every single sexual minority can live a real life.

Source: BAH ( Bangladesh Against Homophobia)