The Sparkling Closet

I am a 27-year-old woman and I am bi. Even though I have lived abroad the past 6 year and had the opportunity to go to a super liberal university, it has taken me a long time to come to terms with my sexuality and come out to myself. Sexuality is a journey, it changes over time and it is fine!

I have been attracted to women since I was in school. I did not have the words to describe what I was feeling as living in Bangladesh means you will rarely get exposed to the LGBTQ world unless you are intentionally seeking for it. I used to dream of being with the prettiest girls in school but I was under the impression that I was admiring them simply for their beauty. Women are always objectified in media and even if you are a women you start objectifying women subconsciously. At some point, now that I look back, I also had a crush on one of my best friends. I loved being near, her smell, and her beauty. Instead of trying to explore these feeling more, I decided to ignore them to make my life easier. I did not know much about being queer or what it meant. However, I did know loving a women means you would be making your life very hard. I remember when my cousin came out to the family as a lesbian. She ran away from her house with her girlfriend and told everyone that she would like to get married to her. I was probably around 10 years old when this happened. The whole family was against her and people even went to the length that she needs to go through conversion therapy. My mom thought she has too much testosterone that’s why she is doing all these. I never thought what she was doing was wrong but I decided to stay quiet as I was too small. I don’t know where she is right now, I think very few people know where she is but I wish I could get to know her and hear her story.

I have only been in long-term relationships with men. My boyfriend and I just broke up last year after a very long relationship. While we were together, I have been attracted to women but I could not do anything as I did not want to cheat on him. I have loved him dearly. I have always felt more comfortable in the queer community, queer media, queer films and everything queer. In my subconscious mind, I was queer but I did not want to accept it to myself. I did not know if I could be a part of it if I did not date a women seriously. I met a woman recently and I feel the way I have felt when I first met my ex. I never knew that I can have such intense feeling for a woman. I guess this was a last validation to myself of my queerness and I have started to make peace with it. I have been living abroad the last 6 years. Living abroad has definitely made it easier for me to come into terms with myself. I never felt like I could be myself while I was in Bangladesh, I was depressed for a very long time during my time there and have even attempted suicide once. Having the opportunity to live abroad has given me a lot of privilege. I feel extremely sad about everything I hear about the LGBTQ community in Bangladesh. As I try to get involved and help out the queer community here, I feel like a hypocrite cause I know that people in Bangladesh have it way worse where being out means you will be scared for your life. I would love to help out the LGBTQ community in Bangladesh but I don’t know how it is possible when your existence is not accepted by anyone

Source: BAH ( Bangladesh Against Homophobia)

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