Written by Leoneil

It was mid-monsoon. As usual,  I forgot my umbrella at the office and was walking back home while getting soaking wet in the rain.  The distance was short, but the walk felt longer with every step I took toward my home, as if I was  walking away more and more from what I was.

“You should tell her about us !”  He had said holding onto his cup of coffee.I was busy admiring the rain from the window. So pure, so calm. A complete opposite to the storm that was going through my head. I did not hear what else he kept saying. My mind was clouded   thinking about what the end of this evening  was about to bring. 

“Did you listen to a word I said ? Leo?…………… Leo !”

“Yes, I heard you.”  I replied. Unable to think of anything at that moment. “You know how she gets if I tell her something she does not want to hear.”  I told him with a look in my eyes. I guess he knew by then I was lost. And I surely was.

“Either you tell her or there is no point of ‘US’ being together. My feelings for you can not be shared,  especially with so many distractions that keep on bugging you!” He left in a hurry, missing to hug me while stepping out, probably for the first time since we had been together. Not eve caring that he forgot to hug me while going out. In our time together I think this was the first time that happened.

I reached for the main door of my house. The cat and the dog took shelter under the staircase uite uncommon for them. They always fight. With some hope, I started climbing up to the the entrance. I had hope. A hope that she would accept me as I am. 

“Ishhhh… your entire head is wet. How do you dry yourself God Knows. Come here, let me dry your hair. I am not gonna be doing these things much longer. When you get married,  I don’t want to be criticized for raising a spoiled son.”

“Uhhh. I am not gonna marry ! stop saying that every day.”

There was no electricity that evening, so my habit of lighting candles everywhere came into action. I was only distracting myself. The rain kept falling as it did not want to stop. I looked at the sky from the living room window. It was dark, and all I could hear was the downpour. 

“Look at ur cousin. Your aunt sent me the picture today. She just finished her computer science degree.”

“I don’t want to look at it, I have work to finish.”

“What kingdom do you run that you don’t have time to look at a single picture?”

“Ma, I have told you multiple times. I don’t want to marry.”

“Who will look after you when you get older? I won’t be here forever,  no one will.”

“I will see to that but for now can you please stop with this nonsense.”

“If you like anyone, you can tell me. I would like to meet her. You are always surrounded by girls, so it is hard to say which one you like more than a friend. I am not one of  those kinds of parents who won’t accept the love of their son’s life. If you are happy, I am happy.

“Really Ma ?”  

“Really ! just won’t marry a married woman or a widow. What will our family say!”

“Ma…”

The rain . Coming down like the veiled waterfall of a dark night. Lightening trembling like a spark just about to ignite the mighty fire. Strong and distructive. No sign to end no sign to relief.

Ma, you atleast meet him. You will see he is a very nice boy. 

Have you lost your mind! You want me to go and meet a boy! I have not lost all my ethics and senses. I will go see a boy for you ! A BOY. I will take you to a psychiatrist tomorrow .

Ma ! I am this way, a doctor wont be able to change that.

Let the doctor decide that.

Ma, sister got married to love of her life, you didn’t not stop her. Even though many people were against the marriage, you stood by her. You did not object.

Her wedding and this madness of yours can not be the same thing?

Why not ma ? This is Love Too. 

Do whatever you wish but not under this roof. Not while bearing this family’s name. I will think I never had a son. Never have.

Ma, I did not know you were this stubborn, I never knew as you my mother.

I could never imagine that you my son would be capable of such a sin. Decide when you want to leave. Your aunt is coming tomorrow I don’t want her to know anything that happened between us. If she asks tell her you are going for a tour. I will stay here. This is my house.

Ma. How can you be so heartless? Don’t you want to know how I feel ?

There is food on the table. Eat when you are finished. I am going to sleep. 

Suddenly it stopped. There was calm just the smell of water. Dropping from the walls and glass windows. The wind changed and the lighting was gone. The Fight was over. Nature won.

Ma. I am leaving. Don’t forget your medicines.  Call me if you need anything I will come. 

I was closing the door for the one last time. The place where I grew up, the only identity I ever knew. Stepping out to find myself, my true existence. Who am I, who will I be ?

Baba, Its your birthday today. I got the cake you liked. And the pasta for the restaurant you love. Your sister brother in law and you aunt they are all here. Even your friends. Remember the names LGBTQ and so no. I like to call them A-Z. it is easier for me to remember them this way. They are making a movie about you, they all asked me to tell your story and to act. I have to be an actress at this age. Just imagine ! I know you are laughing. Thinking I hope she wears the sari properly. I was shy at first but then that friend of yours explained. He is a nice boy. You were right about him. I think of you everyday, thinking I wish you could see this movie. You will also understand your ma has changed .

I am leaving now. You rest. I will come again soon. Enjoy the white roses they got for you. You always liked that flower more. I will join those madness.