I believe this letter is going to find you well. There’s no other option open for you since I have been taking care of you so much. By the way, don’t you feel naked these days as you don’t get to see the fence around yourself anymore? I wonder if you miss the fence. Frankly speaking, I intentionally uprooted it. Do you want to know why?
Fear. Out of fear. Fear of getting you hurt used to bother me a lot. You know I have stepped back from countless number of potential situations where only a courageous step was necessary to be taken. A step which may end up building something priceless. I have consciously held myself back from growing emotions. I have built a wall, shield or fence however you may call it around yourself. I have dumped deliberate challenges on myself to acquire such mental toughness that I do not find you emotionally stumbled. The fear, the goddamn fear, did not choose me. I chose it for myself.
Why am I saying that I “chose” the fear? Because, emotions do not listen to all these cognitive storms and steady states. Conceptual analogies do not get you to nirvana. All they do is give you clarity of thoughts. But, at the end of getting such clarity, emotions get outpoured from heart and mind. All logic seems unreasonable. Rationality leaves the jail of the brain. Emotion overpowers everything. How do I know? I know because I have faced all these. Then I chose not to. What did I choose? I chose not to act on the emotion. I labelled this particular mental state as chemical imbalance. Yes, my beloved heart, out of fear of getting you hurt, I named this emotion of love as chemical imbalance.
Nevertheless, naming doesn’t keep it away. When this imbalance hits you hard, all of your guards fall down. The wall you build around yourself falls apart. Being astonished, you see that washing out your well controlled cognition, some chemicals have taken control over you. Awfully and helplessly, you see all of your efforts go into vain.
I was no exception. This shit happened to me too. And nothing unique about it, I got hurt as well. Love never goes easy. It takes its toll. Always. Because of which I kept fleeing away from emotions, that happened to me eventually. Love broke me apart, crushed me into dust, and blew me away with air on the way to its departure. Consequently, pain made my existence dive into the ocean of darkness. Not so surprisingly, I got you broken. A web of pain kept constantly grabbing you, my heart. I tried to disentangle the web with my hands and got entangled in that web instead. I didn’t know how darkness felt before. How would I know when I hadn’t let myself fall into darkness? I didn’t know this pain could be so sharp. Pain didn’t bite me before. For the first time I got stuck on the web. I was not sure what to do about it.
But, finally, I managed to get a pair of scissors and did what was supposed to be done. I successfully freed my heart. I let my guard down, broke the fence, and got a breath of fresh air. Oh, no wonder, why did the air feel so fresh! It was an absolute liberation. I am enjoying this grandiose liberty. There’s no pain, no fear, no regret, no shame anymore. Now, I know what to do with you. Nope, I haven’t figured out everything yet. There’s no hurry in fact. Good things definitely take time, I believe. But, as of now I know how to deal with you. There’s no fear of getting you hurt now. No one is ever going to be able to break you again. I will surely give people access to you. But, no one will be able to decode the way of hurting you. Never. Not again.
Well, even if anyone does all over again since nothing goes as planned, I will not be as shattered as I became. Because, the lesson has been rightly learnt. This time my peace will come from within. I will show you the world at the same time nurture you till the end. That’s my promise to you, honey!
That’s my time today. Don’t you ever be hopeless. Do not forget the fact that you are always being taken care of.
Insanely Average is experiencing an obvious stage of life, twenties, when self-analysis and introspection take over the thought process. Ranting critically and listening to critical rants is the most convenient way to brainstorm in her life right now. Those rants get out on the keyboard and take the shape of something readworthy. Well, are those readworthy? You decide.