Eather Roudro Jagannath
Bien-Aimee,
Seeing you getting married off to someone else was one of my biggest fears. I couldn’t tolerate that you will become another’s someday. The noiseless scream of my existence, who feels a bowie knife is stabbing into her heart every day, every evening, every night was intolerable. Nobody listened to the screams I heard frequently from my ardor; It was trying to embrace death completely but didn’t receive even that minimum mercy.
“You cannot die. You…u..u wi…lllll… live. Did you hear what I said? Did youuu!!! You will live. I will stab you every day and will apply ointments there and then again on that place I will stab you. This is what you deserve. Cause you dared to love someone of your own sex. You do not deserve anything but merciless pain. You cannot dieeeee…. “
An ethereal existence whispered these words into my ears & left me to suffer my respective day’s agony.
One night lying in stupor, I saw a cottage embellished with bunches of fairy lights, all are golden in color; saw a big pile of garlands made of only red roses & smelled fragrant enchantment. I sensed that cottage resembles the places where an elegant wedding ceremony often takes place.
I don’t know how but at full tilt suddenly I brought myself in front of my computer. After the blurry visions were cleared, I ascertained it was a bride’s picture, opened & enlarged in front of me. The bride was you & it was posted on Instagram by you just after the wedding. I collapsed mentally right at the moment.
Then in a matter of milliseconds I found myself at that very first place, the very first time I saw you. This time there was only me.
Kneeled down, hopeless, lifeless, with tears holding hard in my eyes that were just about to come down, I felt Tophet.
You were smiling, you were happy with your marriage – that killed me!
Can you even guess how many times I died for you but my soul didn’t leave my body? Can you guess how intense my pain was in just remembering you! You cannot. I think you shouldn’t either.
It’s twenty-one minutes & twenty-one seconds I have regained my sense. I revised what I saw.
Hastened, feared, broken I checked your Facebook and Instagram profiles. Sigh of relief!
No bride! No wedding!
It was only you.
Smiling!
Divine smile is what I consider my tranquility.
You don’t know I call you “ Snowdrift “, it is a member of elegant white roses. I’m very much fond of roses.
Till today It’s my peace that you have not become someone else’s.
Maybe that time will come soon. I have intended that I will own a vast “ Snowdrift “ rose garden & will secretly name it after you. I fear if you ever knew about the depth of my affection toward you- you are gonna disregard that.
I love you “Snowdrift”!
Your not loving-
Eather Roudro Jagannath.
First Published
ASHOR
First and Multidimensional Queer Women’s Collective of Bangladesh