“You are not approachable.”
I really had a tough time digesting this sentence. So the problem is me? I didn’t know exactly what was happening to me, but I got triggered. I felt, I felt- it was better to sit in a knife and suffer. All of my life, I have blamed myself for not being desirable. I blame myself- maybe you are not pretty enough in the eyes of the so-called society. It’s you- YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.
This whole conversation has a vital context. Let me go through it. I confronted one of my good friends by saying that I felt very unseen around him. All the eyes are on him- his brown, muscular body, his stereotypical man-self. It is sometimes hard for me to be around him. I’m not saying I feel incredibly jealous, I’m just being honest with him. I have been visiting him for some time, and every day, I encounter these single-out moments that clearly state that he is much more attractive than me. It happens in bars; it happens in public places. I think he couldn’t digest this whole confrontation, and he bluntly accused me of being not approachable. I don’t know if he did it intentionally or not- I think it was a very cheap move.
Yes, I feel very undesired. I have a very skinny body, my face is not smooth, and it has a lot of pimple marks. My eyes are not pretty, covered with dark circles around them. I have long hair- with a super thin body, I don’t have a big butt, so I’m not desirable, especially to gay men. I know this reality- this is not the first time I’m having this conversation with myself. When I figured myself out, I always wanted to feel seen and desired. I wanted to be with guys who I felt attractive. Alas, they never got me back. They always ignored and humiliated me. They clearly made a statement that “I’m not worth it.”
We all deal with body issues; in my case- it is beyond body issues. I used to hate my body, and I used to despise my body. At some point, I used to wake up in the morning and choose not to see myself in the mirror because whenever I used to see my face or my body- I felt disgusted; I felt – how a person could be that ugly. I may be an intellect- so what? Every day I used to think I would hit the gym. I would be a man’s man! Then my brain slapped me hard and said, “Stupid, why?”.
Being yourself can hurt you sometimes. It is easy to say, but it is hard for the person who suffers from rejection from not being desired. Some of my friends say, “Why you do not just go out to the people who find you attractive.” That friend of mine told me this exact thing as well. I asked him politely if he would go out with the people sending me messages- interestingly, I didn’t get an answer. It is an effortless task to tell other people to do stuff they don’t want to do. All of my life, for not being feel attractive, I pushed myself to be with people with whom I really didn’t feel attractive. I forced myself, I feigned- but trust me, it is not worthy. You are deceiving yourself, and you are playing games with yourself. It is unfair to your desire!
Sometimes, I wish I could be a muscular man. I wish my skin was smooth; my jawlines were popping out I wish I could look like the so-called models. At least, people would pay attention to me, take me out for dates, and have sex with me. The toxicity of dating apps has crossed boundaries- people really don’t have any decencies anymore. If you don’t like a person- it is okay, but what’s with bullying? Why do you have to message a person and tell them they are ugly and undesirable? How do these people access the ultimate level of superiority to slander people like us? I do have an answer. Yes, I do. People like my friend- gave the authority.
I don’t entirely blame my friend for all this stuff. Good for him that he goes out and has multiple dates; people feel so attracted to him. But whenever he preaches, I feel like- can you just stop? Are you me? Do you know what I feel and suffer? No! Then shut up and enjoy your moments.
Breaking stereotypes is a challenging task; it is daunting and it is exhausting. When people say- forget about those people, you are unique, and breaking stereotypes and being you is the best thing. You know what, YOU SHUT UP! Your pettiness, your pretentiousness, hurts me. I’m tired of being so undesired. I’m so tired of this society and its so-called beauty standards. My tears, my feelings, and my body have become numb. The curious case of being undesired is still a mystery to me. I don’t know how exactly to solve it, but I have no strong desire to find a solution and work on it—enough of pushing myself to find answers which lack clarity and sensibility. I have just one request: enjoy your thing, and don’t preach. You are in no position to lecture anyone who is not like you.
Boidurzomoni is a woke hopeless romantic and wannabe social justice warrior